x x x
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the others, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
x x x
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
x x x
Q: What are dog biscuits made from?
A: Collie flour
x x x
A man goes to his vet and asks, "Got anything to
cure fleas on a dog?"
The vet replies, "That depends. What's wrong with them?"
x x x
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people that annoy me.
x x x
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
x x x
Dead batteries given out......free of charge.
x x x
These days, parents pray the youngest child will get married and move out before the oldest one gets divorced and moves back in.
x x x
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss
x x x
Half of all marriages ended in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half ended in death.
x x x
Dear God,
Please give me the chance to show that winning the lottery won't change me.
Amen.
x x x
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
x x x
Morning: The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
x x x
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
x x x
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
x x x
If ever you're about to be mugged by a pair of clowns, don't hesitate........go for the juggler.
x x x
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
x x x
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
x x x
You must be the tenth doctor who's told me I'm suffering from paranoia. What is this, some kind of conspiracy?
x x x
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
x x x
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
x x x
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most
in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humour."
x x x
After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded
x x x
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
x x x
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
x x x
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
x x x
"My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary."
x x x
"The UN has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."
x x x
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
x x x
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
x x x
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
x x x
Harry: "If you don't marry me, I'll hang myself from that tree in your front yard."
Carrie: "Please don't do that. You know my parents don't want you hanging around here."
x x x
STUPID INSTRUCTIONS:
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
x x x
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
x x x
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
x x x
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
x x x
The library had a book called 'wiring your house for electricity', but it was a shocking failure.
x x x
Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease
x x x
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on me.
x x x
Q. What's a frog's favourite time?
A. Leap year
x x x
Q. How did the lion feel after he devoured the
female Roman athlete?
A. He was gladiator.
x x x
Q. What did the mother corn say to the baby corn?
A. "Be sure to wash your ears!"
x x x
Q. How do you know if your cat has eaten a
gosling?
A. She looks a little down in the mouth.
x x x
Q. What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A. "You look a bit flushed."
x x x
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
x x x
Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
x x x
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with men. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains. The left half has nothing right in it. The right half has nothing left in it!
x x x
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
x x x
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
x x x
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
x x x
What disease did cured ham actually have?
x x x
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
x x x
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
x x x
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
x x x
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
x x x
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
x x x
Q: What is the difference between a smart
blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
x x x
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a
brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
x x x
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a
blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
x x x
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and ... One was a-salted...
x x x
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..."
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club.
x x x
"Do you serve women at this bar?"
"No, sir, you have to bring your own."
x x x
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a
brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
x x x
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
x x x
I must admit, you brought religion into my
life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
x x x
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
x x x
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you
go....
Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
x x x
When we were together, you said you'd die for
me...
Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
x x x
I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're still here.
x x x
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?
x x x
You are such a good friend. If we were on a
sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
x x x
Your friends and I wanted to do something special
for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep.
x x x
What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when
he ordered a martini?
Olive or Twist?
x x x
Some guys view marriage as a matter of wife and debt.
x x x
|
|
|
|
|
|
