Poems by Patch

Dave and I came to know each other very recently here on tagged and after a few exchanges decided to try a collaborative approach to writing a new poem, with each contributing alternate lines. The first fruit of our joint effort was completed about a few days ago and we hope that you will enjoy reading it below:

Exploration

Hidden places are whispering 'here I am ' to me,
A mountain top, a deserted range or deep beneath the sea,
I'd like to start from the bottom up with quiet tranquility,
The ocean floor's unchartered depth of dangerous mystery

Pale baited light from the angler fish with it's luminescent glow
Shines through the gloom just enough to choose which way to go
With the brilliant iridescent plankton above me and below
Some gentle music is all I need to help complete the show

There's Snaggletooth, Coelacanth, Wobbegong and Lumpfish too,
A flash of red from the Stoplight Loosejaw who catches one or two
And a starfish that’s not a fish but an echinoderm who..
Has five spindly legs whose hairy threads glow blue

My eyes agog I've been astounded I've started my assent
Can't stay too long at this depth or my gas will all be spent
Although to die in this beautiful place was not my main intent
After seeing all the beauty here I would still be quite content.

Rhumour & Patch
April 2008

The Alphabet of Ageing

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow !
P for prescriptions--I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'm as good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo; that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry; NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X-ray and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have . . . in my mind.

It was 9pm, that summer night,
The twenty fifth of June,
When I sat down, to eat my tea,
And heard that dreaded tune.

It wasn’t rock, nor was it pop,
And not a melody,
But it sang out, and filled the room,
And really bothered me.

By half past nine, I’d had enough,
I thought, it’s got to go,
The fly that has been buzzing round,
Has made my anger grow.

I knew not then, what I’d do next,
Was going to cost me dear,
To rid myself, of that fly,
That’s buzzing round my ear.

So I got up, off my chair,
Armed with my daily paper,
Thinking that, I would win,
The greatest fly swot caper.

I took a swing, and hit the light,
Which fell on to the floor,
The antique vase, I’d had for years,
Got smashed against the door.

I swotted here, and swotted there,
And missed it every time,
I’d broken everything in sight,
It really was a crime.

All tired out, I’d had enough,
I went to my bedroom,
I got in bed, turned out the light,
My head was full of gloom.

I lay there thinking to myself,
I wish that fly was dead,
But alas, it was still there,
Buzzing around my head.

Now back downstairs, once again,
Armed with my daily paper,
To restart once again,
The greatest fly swot caper.

Do we really know,
Or can we work things out,
Do we really care,
What life is all about.

Will we ever see,
A mushroom cloud go high,
Causing devastation,
And blackening the sky.

Have you ever thought,
About what worries me,
The problems that we cause,
When we pollute the sea.

The chemicals and smoke,
That causes acid rain,
Which goes into the atmosphere,
And falls back down again.

We take away the trees,
They are not there today,
Instead there is a desert,
Or a motorway.

The frogs and the toads,
That had somewhere to mate,
Could have their homes restored,
It may not be too late.

If all that we have lost
Could reappear today,
Would we change our lives,
To make it stay that way.

Do we really know,
Or can we work things out,
Do we really care,
What life is all about.

You drive along, in your car, you’ve had it from brand new,
You’ve got the kids, in the back, your wife is next to you,
Things go so fine, at least at first, till gone in for a service,
But then beware, when driving home, you really don’t deserve this.

You paid the price, all that they asked, which no one can afford,
Except a person, very rich, or King or Earl or Lord,
You hear a noise, out of tune, you go round to the bonnet,
And there it is, out of sight, a Gremlin sitting on it.

“Now what’s that noise?” you ask yourself, with spanner held in hand,
“I’ll just do this”, you tell your wife, and she says, “What’s that sound”,
“It’s just a noise”, you say to her, “I’ll tighten up this nut”,
“That’s done the trick, at least I think”, until the bonnets shut.

He did not see, the Gremlin there, ’cause it was out of sight,
Another noise, the Gremlin has, attacked with all its might,
So out the car, once again, you go round to the bonnet,
And there it is, out of sight, a Gremlin sitting on it.

You take it back, to the garage, and tell the man that’s there,
He has a look, then says to you, “It must be wear and tear”,
“Wear and tear?” you say to him, and he says “yes” and smiles,
“But since I brought, it to you, I’ve only done ten miles”.

You’ve paid the bill, a second time, it really was a pain,
You’ve only gone, ten miles away, that noise it’s back again,
So out the car once again, you go round to the bonnet,
And there it is, out of sight, a Gremlin sitting on it.

You’ve had the car, for three years now, it’s in for M.O.T.
Although it’s passed, it is still there, “ That noise what can it be?”
“It is your clutch” he says to you, “I’ll do it for ten quid”,
And you say “yes” ’cause he don’t know, it is your lowest bid,

The work all done, you drive away, into the blazing sun,
You go ten miles, the noise comes back, you thought it had been done,
So out the car once again, you go round to the bonnet,
And there it is out of sight, a Gremlin sitting on it.

You’ve had enough, by this time, you think “That’s what I’ll do
I’ll sell this car, and start again, another car from new”,
You buy the car and six months pass, it goes in for a service,
But then beware, when driving home, you really don’t deserve this.

You paid the price all that they asked, which no one can afford,
Except a person very rich, or King or Earl or Lord,
You hear a noise, it’s back again, you go round to the bonnet,
And there it is, out of sight, a Gremlin sitting on it.

She is a mother and very quiet,
She is not fat yet doesn’t diet,
She’s not very tall, about five feet five,
She keeps on working, like a bee in a hive,

She’s got beautiful eyes on a beautiful face,
She’s got a very nice house and looks after the place,
She has three children, two girls and a boy,
She keeps on smiling with a face full of joy,

She has a heart of gold yet a fist full of steel,
She has a lovely body and a cast iron will,
She don’t say very much until she is cross,
But then beware she’ll show you who’s boss,

You can’t push her around or tell her what to do,
Because if you try she will turn on you,
Don’t put her on a spot if you fear for your life,
Don’t push her around because she is my wife.

I love you my darling and think that you glow,
With love and affection that you don’t show,
You are so nice, you’ve got lovely hair,
You act as though you haven’t a care,
But I know different and so do you,
So why not tell me why you feel blue,
What are your troubles, what is on your mind,
Has someone been nasty or unkind,
A trouble shared is a trouble halved,
The life we live it has been carved,
Don’t hide away inside your head,
For unlike a book you can’t be read,
So open your heart and don’t be sad,
For you are a girl and I am a lad,
Say what is wrong and you will see,
That I can help you and set you free.

I’m going out, with a crowd,
To celebrate, because we’re proud,
The drinks are free, and so is food,
I’m getting an, excited mood,
We’ve done this work, and got our pay,
We finished it, yes-ter-day,
I’ve had no beer, since it begun,
It’s been at least, ten days and one.

It’s Friday night, and getting late,
I’m on my own, no one would wait,
They’re down the pub, and drinking beer,
But I’m alone, and stuck in here,
I’m stuck in here, and can’t get out,
And even though, I bang and shout,
No one has come, with a key,
To open up, the door for me.

It’s half past nine, three hours have gone,
I wish at least, the lights were on,
But in this room, there is no switch,
My nerves are at, the fever pitch,
At fever pitch, I need a drink,
But all I do, is sit and think,
Think of my mates, a drinking beer,
And of myself, I’m stuck in here.

It’s half past ten, I’m getting dry,
The fever pitch, is running high,
I shout and bang, upon the door,
My hands and throat, are getting sore,
My throat is sore, I need a drink,
What can I do, ’cept sit and think,
Think of my mates, a drinking beer,
While they’re out there, I’m stuck in here.

Sometime has passed, I hear a noise,
I think, “at last it is the boys”,
They opened up, the door for me,
They let me out, and I am free,
I am free, to go down the pub,
To drink and drink, and eat some grub,
I run so fast, a hurricane blows,
But I’m too late, and they are closed.

My pet cat
Whose name was Pat
Sat on a mat
And ate a rat
And chased a mouse
Out the house
And chased a toad
Across the road
Now my pet cat
Whose name was Pat
Got squashed flat
So that’s that.

I wrote the words and sang the rhyme
And tapped my feet to mark the time
And now I know the beat is right
To give to you this card tonight
With all my love I must just say
For you my love this special day.

From five nil down then seventeen up,
We wondered if we’d win that cup,
At eighty minutes an even score,
Could we last another twenty more,

All nicely set up and in the last minute,
The kick that came so we could win it,
By Johnny Wilkinson the England Boy Wonder,
The final drop kick on a pitch down under,

“Sweet Chariots” the song and the name of the plane,
That brought our team back to England again.

If only I could live, yesterday again
I’d do it in a different way and there would be less pain
I’d know all my mistakes and try to put them right
I’d do it on that day and worry less that night
A problem looks much worse the longer it goes on
But how can I say sorry now yesterday has gone
There’s always tomorrow but that may be too late
I should have done it yesterday but yesterday wouldn’t wait
And now that you have gone the guilt I'm trying to hide
will stay with me forever, until like you I've died

Pure white snow so fresh and clean
A beautiful sight that must be seen
Alpine streams that twist and curve
Swallowtails that loop and swerve
You’re charming and graceful in all that you do
These things and more remind me of you

I’ve seen the bulbs of Holland bloom
I’ve walked through Tutankhamun’s tomb
I’ve flown across the Rio Grande
I’ve held a million in one hand
I’ve owned a diamond big and bright
I’ve watched the shooting stars at night
These worldly things I can concede
The love you give is all I need

Down the road at ten
The engine’s very cold
I haven’t used this car for years
And now it’s getting old

Down the road at twenty
This car is full of rust
The bumper’s fallen off
The handbrake’s turned to dust

Down the road at twenty five
For this car that is fast
We’ve only got one mile to go
I wonder, will it last

Down the road at fifteen
A trail of smoke behind
The tyres have gone flat
The lights have all gone blind

Down the road at five
One hundred yards to go
The windscreen’s fallen out
The rain has turned to snow

And now we’ve reached the journey’s end
For my old car at least
And for it’s epitaph
“LET THIS CAR RUST IN PEACE”

This is the tale of old Willy Cann
The world’s most professional do-it-yourself man
He’s paint any ceiling or unblock your loo
There wasn’t a thing that he couldn’t do
From Sydney to London they all knew his name
He’d travelled the world to gather more fame
He’d done everything and been everywhere
And treated each job as though he hadn’t a care
Until one night when all was dark
While walking his dog through Chessington Park
Out came a scream, an almighty roar
Then old Willy knew what he had in store
“The sun had gone out” and what seemed like night
Was daytime for sure without any light
“The world will go cold and we will all die
without any heat or light from the sky”
Hysteria and panic, confusion was rife
Could this be the end of all human life?

The World Powers met that very same day
“But we will all die” is all they could say
Then someone stood up and said, “Willy Cann
The world’s most professional do-it-yourself man
Can re-light the sun, I’m sure he can do it”
That person was right and everyone knew it
They wasted no time, they sent out a greeting
To fetch Willy Cann to the World Powers meeting
Where he sat on a throne and he was made King
That do-it-yourself man could do anything
“This job is impossible” old Willy was told
But Willy said, “NO!” his answer was bold
To re-light the sun I’ll do it for sure
Just bring me some matches and plenty of straw
And I’ll need some people, ten million and one
And we’ll form a relay right up to the sun
Old Willy’s plan worked, well they all knew it would
If anyone could do it, old Willy Cann could.

Whether going to church and kneeling to pray,

Or watching the football on a cup final play,

Or sunning on a beach far far away,

My thoughts are with you on this sad day.

The pity and sorrow the anguish and pain,

The years may be new but the date will remain,

The questions come back to drive you insane,

What did they achieve what possible gain?

You lost a child your only one,

Unique and so special he was your son,

It wasn't by knife or shot from a gun,

The blast on the tube train the day just begun.

We are united we are hand in hand,

They never will beat us that terrorist band,

Our courage and valour together we stand,

Religion or colour our multicultural ENGLAND.

Olympic Darts

Olympic darts, what a brilliant idea
Then we can also invent a new beer
Hand over our money to the ticket touts
While ridding our streets of the larger louts

bog-snorkelling, croquette or even conkers
Could this mean that England’s gone raving bonkers
Street cleaning, car washing or milking a goat
Olympic darts is the one that’s getting my vote.